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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.