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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.