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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.