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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep