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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.