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The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.