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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)