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I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.