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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.