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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
High-five a veteran today.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
My life is based on a true story
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.