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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.