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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"