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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.