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The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species