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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.