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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.