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"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.