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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Sex, do it for the kids.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that Iād have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.