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Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.