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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.