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Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic