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First fart at my new job.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.