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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
They should make Vodka ChapStick