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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.