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You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.