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I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late