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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.