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Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing