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Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
is in no shape to exercise
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".