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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.