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3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.