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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale