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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
In space they just call it "Jam"
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.