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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Word for the day is asstard
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there