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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.