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Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
It’s a status….not your diary…