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To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I should come with a warning label.
Some of my best memories are naps.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
is ready to have one too many!