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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached