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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.