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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!