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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"