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I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.