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One trenta cheeseburger please.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.