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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.