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"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.