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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
My anger management class pisses me off
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"