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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.