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Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.