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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.