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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.