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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.