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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”