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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.