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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.