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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.