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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I am used but in good condition.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.