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I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
My memory foam has amnesia
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.