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I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Long story short, I love summaries
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.