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Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.