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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.