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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.