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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.