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Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I just awesomed all over the place.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.