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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle