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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!