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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..