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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”