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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Bored, so Iām going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him Iām him from the future.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!