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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes