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My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake