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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.