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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.