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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.