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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I know u r but what am I ?
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".