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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.