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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.