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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.