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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.