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I miss the life I planned in my head.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.