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I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.