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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
What if the weather talks about us?
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...