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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom