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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.