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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day