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If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.