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never be afraid to wipe twice
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?