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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...