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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.