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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...