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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy