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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.