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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"