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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.