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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
This headache feels like dumb people
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
In space they just call it "Jam"
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.