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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.