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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.