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Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"