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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.