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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.