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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.