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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
The fox says you need to stop.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..