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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!