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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...