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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."