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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up