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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem